Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:37:08 pm EST
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Blonde on Green, the Conclusion
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Blonde on Green, The Conclusion


Hoedown Showdown



The bouncer in the bib overalls eyed the masked man suspiciously, “Wrong scene, man. Silk Spectre’s is three blocks over.”

“What?” Alcheman was confused for a moment, “No, no. I’m not… ah, I’m a super- hrm. By any chance is this establishment the Barn?”

“Just Barn, Fun Boy. And yeah, it is.”

“Splendid. Ah, is there a cover charge?”

“Twenty bucks.”

Alcheman sighed. His costume did not allow him the luxury of carrying a wallet, “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to accept an IOU?”

*****


“What’s he doing?” Trudi asked as she watched the Hulk poke his mitts through one of Barn’s mountainous haystacks.

“Looking for the ‘Turkey in the Straw,’” Jenni reported while sipping her whiskey and branch water, “You know, sister, having Hulk attend this hootenanny wasn’t as much fun as I expected it to be. He chews with his mouth open, he can’t line dance, and despite the fact he anchored a $100 million blockbuster he knows absolutely no one in Hollywood.”

The less lithesome Wooster twin concurred, “He doesn’t know any real superheroes either, unless you’ve been able to decipher who Bird-Nose and Sword Girl are. No, I’m afraid our gambit did not yield any dividends.”

It was now that their brother materialized beside them.

“My word; that does look like the Hulk” Alcheman gaped at the foraging giant.

“Michael, thank goodness!” Jenni was relieved to have someone to pawn their gamma-spawned guest off on.

The Elemental Adventurer winced, “Not so loud, and can we conduct this conversation somewhere more private? I had to sneak in and do not wish to attract security’s attention.”

“You crashed the party, Michael? Why you rogue!” Trudi smirked as the trio ducked behind a built to scale model of a prairie schooner.

“Please, can you just tell me exactly what’s going on? In bullet point format, preferably.”

Jenni took a breath, “This vagrant ran out into the street and made me hit him with my car which he crushed when he turned into Hulk and the Trudi said to invite him to Barn but now its almost last call and the washboard player offered to take us out for breakfast so now we need to figure out what to do with him.”

“Him being Hulk,” Trudi clarified, “We know what to do with the washboard player.”

Alcheman still looked baffled, “Yes, but what do you expect me to do with the Hulk? Fight him?”

“No!” the girls said in unison.

“He’s a big child. A big, boring child,” Trudi explained, “Really, he’s been no trouble at all. Well, he got a bit cranky when the buffet ran out-“

“He really likes beans,” Jenni offered.

“We want you to take him somewhere where he’ll be safe, and out of trouble.”

“Whu- where?” Michael certainly wasn’t keen on the idea of taking him back to the brownstone. Or to Mother’s.

The two girls looked to one another for guidance. Jenni spoke first:

“Take him to Lair Mansion. The Legion has experience with odd houseguests.”

“True. You should have seen who was at their Christmas Party. Yes, bring Hulk to Lair Mansion. They’ll know what to do with him.”

“That… is actually a good idea. I don’t know exactly how to transport him to Lair Island, though. I’d rather keep him out of sight of the authorities.”

“They wouldn’t let him on the bus,” Jenni reported dutifully, “No shoes.”

Trudi had an inspiration, “You could call Honoria. Hulk could fit in her Hummer, if you took the seats out in the back.”

“Make sure you roll the windows down too. Because, you know: beans,” Jenni explained once she caught the questioning stares of her siblings.

Michael rubbed his temples, “May I borrow your phone please?”

*****


The hovercraft bearing the insignia of the US Army floated zoomed over the Paradopolis skyline. Within the vehicle waited a squad of sixty men and women who were trained and equipped to achieve one objective: the capture of the Inexorable Yurt. An onboard video monitor displays the needed information on the target for the casual reader:

From Who’s Who in the Parodyverse Volume 13.2:

The inconceivable Yurt (Vlastimock Bogoff), was once a humble glorious worker in the People's Potato Collective, Commieslavia, before a radioactive accident gave him the proportional strength and intelligence of a small peasant hut. He's basically a twenty foot high pile of indestructible rocks. The stupider he gets the stronger he gets.

What these brave soldiers don’t realize is that their gamma-powered objective is not the Yurt, but rather the Incredible Hulk, who is famous enough so that no Who’s Who entry is required, one would hope. But will their ignorance be their undoing, or do the Yurt Busters have what it takes to defeat the Green Goliath once and for all?

Wait for it….

*****


“Who is this?” the Hulk asked of Alcheman as he approached. His sisters trailed behind.

“Yes, hello, Hulk, my name is Alcheman. How are you doing this morning?”

“Bah! Mask Man try to confuse Hulk with small talk. Be careful, Mask Man, or Hulk will smash!”

“Ah, of course. I’ll be blunt then, sir. You see, it’s getting close to dawn, and your friends here need to leave-“

“Farm Girls?” the Hulk looked over at the Wooster Twins, “Where do Farm Girls need to go?”

“Home. They have… chores. Irregardless, we need to leave. So I wanted to offer you a ride to where you yourself could get some rest.”

The Jade Giant glared at Michael for several seconds, and then shook his head, “No! Hulk won’t go with Mask Man. Mask Men always try to trick Hulk! Try to make Hulk turn back into Puny Banner!”

“Yes, but-“

“If Mask Man want Hulk to go with him, Mask Man try to make Hulk go!” the behemoth vowed a bit too gleefully for Alcheman’s liking.

It was at that moment the roof blew off the Barn, and the Yurt Busters rappelled into the conflict.

“Deploy CEDs!” Red Leader commanded.

Several flying drones descended, catching hold of Trudi, Jenni, and dozens of other civilians in their tentacle-like appendages. Then the machines fulfilled the second part of their acronyms and evacuated them.

“What’s going on?!” Michael quickly assumed the form of iron and ripped free from the CED that held him.

“Red Leader, this is Red Four. Target is not in area. It’s, cripes, it’s the Hulk!”

The Hulk didn’t care if he was the Yurt Busters assigned target or not. He scooped up several hay bales and began hurling them at the soldiers.

“Hulk knew Mask Man try to trap Hulk!” the monster loomed over Alcheman and raised both of his ham-sized fists to pulverize the hero.

“Fire Gravity bolas!” Red Leader ordered his team. Several of the weapons wrapped hit and entangled the Hulk, each device increasing the beast’s weight by a factor of ten.

The Hulk sank to one knee just as Alcheman pressed another symbol tattooed on his bicep and vanished.

“RAHHRR! Mask Man run away! Mask Man better run far away, ‘cuz when Hulk finish smashing soldiers Hulk will smash him!!”

The soldiers fired their Taser lines, “You aren’t going to be smashing anyone, Hulk, if that’s you’re real name.

The Hulk growled some more as hundreds of thousands of volts flowed from the Yurt Buster’s Omni-Rifles into his already taxed body. He reached out and took hold of the Taser lines and yanked. Hard.

“Cut the wires!” Red Leader shouted to his men just as several of them were jerked through the air and sent crashing into the walls opposite them, “Blue Team, this is Red Leader. Civilians are evacuated. Send in the Goon Squad!”

That’s when the Powered Armored Unit came crashing down.

“Shoot, that ain’t the Yurt!”

“Who cares! Subdue him!” Blue Leader marched up and planted a punch on the Hulk that had the force of a wrecking ball.

The Hulk responded in kind, caving in the front of the fourteen million dollar piece of Turrets, Inc. hardware.

The rest of Blue Team rushed to their commander’s aid, dogpiling on the Hulk and pinning him down.

“Hit him with the Screechers!” one shouted into his headset.

Yellow Team scurried in and charged up their Screecher Cannons, aiming for the Hulk’s exposed head.

“These will turn his brain into so much green jelly,” Yellow Leader exposited.

His assertion would not be proven one way or another, as the Jade Giant wrestled free from the scrum of power armors that held him down and began using his former captives as bludgeons for Yellow Team, Orange Team, and any other warriors of the rainbow that got in his way.

“Everyone say Hulk is stupid, but no one stupider than stupid soldiers. Always try to catch Hulk. Always try to hurt Hulk. But Hulk always beats stupid soldiers. Because Hulk is strongest one there is!!”

It was in this moment of euphoria that the Hulk reverted back to Bruce Banner and Alcheman reappeared. He caught the stumbling scientist before he hit the ground.

“Strength isn’t everything,” Michael adjudged as he hoisted Banner over his shoulders. Then he assumed the form of vulcanized rubber, and caromed off into the night with his precious cargo.

*****


“Serotonin?” Doctor Banner inquired.

“Yes, I took on the compound’s properties once I had entered your, ah, the Hulk’s respiratory system as oxygen. I remembered from the television show that the Hulk was fueled by rage and anger, and hoped such a concentrated dosage of the mood altering drug would revert him to you. Then it was a simple matter of exiting your body again and getting you to safety.”

“Well, thank you for that, Alcheman. If you didn’t come up with a way to contain the beast’s rage lives could have been lost,” the scientist’s face became even more grave, “In fact, I’m concerned about those two young women who triggered my transformation. Is there a way you could check to make sure they’re OK.”

“They’re fine,” Honoria Sesselby reported. She had personally escorted the Wooster Twins home, after imparting some choice words on the subject of responsibility, “I’m more concerned about the fact you and the Hulk are completely fictional characters and yet here you are.”

Here they all were, commiserating in a greasy spoon that sat adjacent to the Paradopolis Bus Terminal. It had been nearly an hour since Alcheman and Doctor Banner had managed to escape the Yurt Busters, enough time for Michael to call Honoria and set up a rendezvous.

“That is a trifle odd,” Banner said, but inside he wasn’t sure he believed the couple’s story. It was far more likely he was once again caught up in the plot of one of his alter ego’s old enemies: the Leader or MODOK or the Stranger were all possible candidates for such detailed subterfuge. Still, the pair had acquiesced to his wishes not to be turned over to this supposed reality’s superteam, and even provided him with some ill-fitting clothes and money for a bus ticket out of town.

“As I recall, Doctor, you spent your time as a fugitive doing good works while simultaneously looking for a cure to your condition. I don’t see any reason to keep you from those endeavors,” Alcheman had said at the time. The fearsome blonde had looked a bit more doubtful about her friend’s decision, but held her tongue.

Banner checked the clock that hung above the diner’s counter: half past six, “I had best get going. Thank you again, for everything.”

“You’re welcome. Best of luck to you.”

And then Bruce Banner was gone.

“Well, Honoria, I suppose we should be on our way as well,” Alcheman leaned forward to whisper, “I figure I can change into my work clothes in the back of the Humvee and then you can drop me off at the school.”

“Certainly not,” Honoria shook her head, “I’m taking you home. You’ve spent the last several hours dealing with three petulant children, and that is enough,” she stood and adjusted the robe that concealed her pajamas. Then she assumed a stance that told Michael she was done compromising for the day.

Alcheman smiled and tightened the belt to the trench coat that covered his own costume, “Very well.”

As the two made their way to the SUV Honoria continued, “And once you’re properly rested we can go through the details of this caper and address the mistakes that were made.”

“Of course. Uh, how many mistakes?”

“I’ve identified seven errors in strategy so far, based on a cursory review,” she sniffed, “I’ll work on a power point presentation that can be properly addended once all the facts are known.”

Alcheman was impressed: if Honoria had only found seven flaws to criticize he must be showing improvement as a costumed do-gooder.










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